


Beach Blues

by Airdanteine, LuthienLuinwe



Series: Kids in Love [1]
Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Nightwing (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics)
Genre: Beach Sex, Beach Vacation, Jason Worships Dick, Low Self Esteem, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Violence, Panic Attacks, Shower Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-18
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-08-04 01:56:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16337531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Airdanteine/pseuds/Airdanteine, https://archiveofourown.org/users/LuthienLuinwe/pseuds/LuthienLuinwe
Summary: A vacation. Why in God's green earth did he need a vacation? " Dick and Jason enjoy a nice beach vacation, but Jason's doubts and demons threaten to drag him down. Can Dick keep him happy? Alternatively: Jason worships the hell out of Dick.





	Beach Blues

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much to Airdanteine for the art for this challenge! It was absolutely amazing working with you, and thank you for pushing me out of my comfort zone!
> 
> Thank you also to my beta readers, Salmonelagogo and MagewolfAsh. You guys absolutely rock! Thank you so much for all your help!

**“Here’s to us. Here’s to love, all the times that we fucked up. Here’s to you. Fill the glass ‘cause the last few days have kicked my ass. So let’s give ‘em hell, wish everybody well. Here’s to us. Here’s to us.”**

A vacation. Why in God's green earth did he need a vacation? So he'd shot the guy. So fucking what? It wasn't like he'd never shot anyone before. Murder-spree post Lazarus pit, remember? "I thought you were past it," Dick had told him, that damned disappointed tone in his voice that sometimes made Jason wonder whose side he was really on. It was amazing, really. Sometimes Dick opened his mouth and Bruce came out.

And of all the places Dick could have chosen to visit, of fucking course he had to choose the beach. A private, rich-people beach no less. Jason couldn't help but think he would have been more comfortable somewhere, anywhere else. It was too quiet, even with the sound of the ocean lapping up against the shore.

He sat in the sand, not bothering with a towel. What was the point? It would just get everywhere anyway. He hated it. It was hot, and he knew deep in his gut that he'd be washing sand out of his hair for months to come.

Dick had long gone back inside. God only knew what he was doing. Jason should have gone with him, but he needed to be alone, needed to get his thoughts together. He watched the water, murky and blue. Better than green...

He wondered what it would be like to just wander too far deep, let his head sink under and never come back up again.

Maybe Dick was right. Maybe he needed this vacation after all.

He lay back and stared up at the sky, not a damned cloud in sight. It was so different from Gotham. No skyscrapers. No city lights. No people. Just him and his thoughts, and he hated it, almost more than anything in the world.. Nothing was scarier than being trapped inside his own head. Why couldn't Dick understand that?

The sun was setting, the water reflecting the orange-pink tint by the time Dick finally returned. "You're gonna get burned if you do this all week," he commented and sat beside Jason. Jason rolled his eyes and leaned into his side, shutting his eyes when Dick wrapped an arm around his shoulders, breathed in the smell of cinnamon toothpaste and aftershave expensive enough that Jason never would have even considered buying it. 

"'M fine," Jason insisted. If he could have gotten closer to Dick, he would have. He wished Dick would have stayed. He wished he would have asked him to. Anything to keep him away from himself. Anything to get him out of his head.

Because what was in there other than self-loathing and nightmares of warehouses and crowbars and memories of the people whose lives he'd cut short? He didn't know. He wasn't sure he wanted to know. It was easier not to think about it, to act like everything was okay even when he knew nothing was.

Life would have been so much easier for everyone if he would have just stayed dead like he was supposed to.

"Want to head inside?" Dick asked, and Jason shook his head. Going inside meant moving. He didn't want to move. He just wanted to stay there, sat on the shore with Dick by his side. Maybe even forever.

It would have been a nice forever.

"Everything okay?" Dick asked. Jason shook his head. He could have lied, said everything was fine. But Dick would have seen right through him. He always did. It was amazing, Jason thought. Dick seemed to be good at everything it was possible to be good at.

And what was Jason good at?

Not a damned thing.

"Want to talk about it?" Dick pressed.

"Not stuff you want to hear," Jason sighed and moved away from Dick, lying back down against the sand. He watched Dick lay beside him, and Jason couldn't help but smile, however slightly, when Dick took his hand, lacing their fingers together.

It was nice, being together, just the two of them. Not talking, just... Existing. No Bruce. No missions. No forces of the universe trying to keep them apart. God knew there were enough of those. Just Dick. Just him. Just a beach in the middle of nowhere.

He watched Dick's chest rise and fall. It was mesmerizing, hypnotic in a way. Up. Down. Up. Down. Real. Alive. He could lean over and kiss him. He could move so he was on top of Dick and could feel his chest rise and fall beneath him.

But he didn't want that tonight.

He just wanted to be.

And he was glad that, at least for now, that was good enough for Dick.

He wasn't sure how much time had passed. Minutes? Hours? But the sun had set, its pink and orange glow replaced by the pale white shimmer of the moon and the stars. Dick had tried to teach him the constellations once. How long ago had that been? Did he even remember any of them?

Orion and his dogs. Easy to find. 

Ursa Major and Minor. Easy too.

Andromeda, rescued by her Perseus.

Was that who they were? Was that who they were destined to become?

He didn't remember the ending to that one.

He wasn't sure he wanted to.

No one did tragedy quite like the Greeks.

"We should head inside," Dick commented, and Jason nodded, but still didn't move. It was only when Dick sat up, breaking the contact that had been gluing them together. 

He sat up carefully, muscles protesting from the move. How long had they been laying there? It must have been a while for his muscles to lock up like that. He watched Dick stand with the grace of the acrobat he'd once been. "Help me up?" Jason asked and held out his arm. He watched Dick smile and roll his eyes before Dick grabbed his arm and pulled him to his feet. "Thanks."

"Any time," Dick replied and wrapped an arm around Jason's shoulders, leading him inside.

It was a nice house, Jason supposed. He tried not to think about who it belonged to. Years later, and he still didn't trust Bruce. He doubted he ever would. Jason wondered how much convincing Dick had had to do in order to get Bruce to agree to let them stay there.

Because it was always three steps forward and four steps back when it came to the Bat. And deep down, Jason knew that was how it would always be. A rift had formed between them. And no matter how hard Dick tried to stitch it up, it would always be there.

Jason was trying. He was really, really trying.

And as much as he hated to admit it, he knew Bruce was too.

The rift bothered Dick. It was evident any time the three of them were in the same room together. And Jason could see the flash of sadness any time he brought up Bruce and Jason changed the subject.

Sometimes Jason wondered if that would end up being the end of him and Dick. Wondered if that would cause the "us" to be no more.

He liked it, being an "us."

He never thought he would.

He'd spent his whole life knowing he didn't need anyone but himself. He'd taken care of himself before Bruce took him in. He'd taken care of himself after he'd gotten away from the League. He could do it again and again and again.

But God knew he didn't want to.

He followed Dick to the master bedroom. Selina must have been the one to decorate it. No expense had been spared. Jason liked to think at least some of the items had been stolen. He liked to think Bruce knew but pretended not to. Funny how Bruce could look the other way with her, but not with him.

"I need to shower," Jason said and headed for the connecting bathroom. Surrounded by water, and still he couldn't get all that damned sand out. They'd only been there a day. He shuddered at the thought of how bad it would be at the end of the week. He'd be finding sand in his helmet for the rest of the year...

"Want company?" Dick asked, flashing him a million-dollar smile. Jason couldn't help but smirk and offer a teasing sway of his hips as he opened the door, nodding for Dick to follow after him.

He watched Dick shut the door and turn the water on. At least they both liked it hot. "We're not at the manor," Jason laughed. "We don't have to worry about someone walking in."

"Helps the steam," Dick shrugged, and Jason watched as he pulled his shirt off. He would have killed for those tight, toned abs that he found himself staring at more often than he’d ever care to admit to.

He pulled Dick in for a kiss, slow, passionate. An unspoken 'thank you,' passing between them.  _ Thank you for dealing with me. Thank you for forcing me to come with you. Thank you for existing. _

He pulled his clothes off and tossed them onto the floor. They could worry about re-packing them later. He stepped into the walk-in shower and dragged Dick in with him.

Dick didn’t waste any time pinning Jason up against the wall, and Jason couldn’t help but moan when he felt his cock twitch. Dick’s hand was around it before the water had even heated up properly, and Jason had to fight to keep himself standing up. Easier said than done with his knees buckling like crazy.

“Don’t worry,” Dick whispered into his ear. “I won’t let you fall.”

“Better not,” Jason responded, a noise escaping his throat when he felt Dick’s hips roll against his, cock rubbing against Jason’s ass.. Jason rested his head against the already wet tile, savoring the warm sensations from the water raining down on his back and Dick’s hands wandering all over his body.

He moaned again when Dick looped a strong arm around his waist before pushing into him, quick and rough, just the way Jason liked it.  He liked the rougher side of Dick, the one that didn’t worry about appearances or everyone else. God there was nothing sexier than when he took what he wanted from Jason. 

“Fuck, Jay,” Dick breathed and pushed Jason further into the shower wall, each thrust harder than the last one, each hitting Jason right where he wanted it. If it weren’t for Dick’s arm around his waist and his upper body pressed against him, Jason was certain he wouldn’t have been able to stay standing. 

It was almost ironic. Things had started out rough. They’d both claimed to hate each other’s guts. They were only getting together to get back at Bruce, or at least that’s what they had told themselves time and time again… But now it was different. Now they belonged to each other and come hell or high water, nothing was going to tear them apart. 

When Dick came with a shuddering breath, biting down on Jason’s shoulder so he didn’t scream, Jason couldn’t help but think he was the luckiest man on the face of the damned planet. 

And when Dick’s expert hand wrapped around Jason’s cock?

Well. The water wasn’t the only thing that was hot. 

\-------------

He woke with a start the next morning, pulse rushing and pounding, head throbbing. He took several shaky breaths, trying to calm down. Funny how the nightmares always followed him, no matter how hard he tried to make them stay home.

He watched Dick stir beside him, a flash of blue greeting him for half a second. "You 'kay?" he asked, the sleep still evident in his voice.

"Fine," Jason muttered and lay back down, turning to face his boyfriend. Months later the term still felt foreign to him. He wondered if he would ever get used to it. But what was the point in getting used to something? Every time he let himself become familiar, something terrible happened to himself or to the people around him.

He never wanted anything terrible to happen to Dick.

"Bad dream?" Dick asked, propping himself up on an elbow, and Jason nodded. Sometimes he wondered what Dick dreamed about. Did he have nightmares about Blockbuster? Jason had sworn never to tell anyone about what had happened. Guess Dickiebird could keep a secret from the Bat too.

_ I killed him. _

_ You didn't. _

_ It was my fault. _

_ It wasn't. _

Killing wasn't hard for Jason, not when he'd done it enough times. But just thinking he'd been responsible for Blockbuster’s death had damn near driven Dick insane.

_ You should hate me. _

_ I don't. _

"What was it this time?" Dick asked.

"Arkham," Jason answered, not missing a beat. It was still a sore subject between the two of them. If Jason could pick a low point of his second life, that would have been it. Dick nodded, but didn’t say anything. What could he say? He’d never apologize. He shouldn’t have to. Jason had damn near killed Damian, and Damian was sacred in Dick’s books. “Just… I could hear him. From my room. Laughing. He knew…”

He leaned into Dick’s side when the older man wrapped an arm around him, more unspoken words passing between them.  _ You should hate me.  _ Dick had told him after another one of his bad days, days when that martyr complex of his kicked into high drive. It had been a rough night, that one, the anniversary of when Dick had had Jason locked up in Arkham for his own good.  _ You should hate me.  _ Maybe he should have. A sane person would have. But when had he ever been sane?

Maybe one day they'd learn to speak with their words. But until then, he'd take the unspoken communications, the body language full of 'I'm sorry's and 'don't leave me's'. "Think you'll get back to sleep?" Dick asked, and Jason shook his head, shutting his eyes again and breathing in the jasmine scent from the soap from earlier Emerald scented, the wrapper on the soap had said. Yeah right.

Damn rich people.

Jason took several deep, even breaths. No bars. No padded walls. No men in white coats coming to inject him with God-only-knew what to make his mind go fuzzy and his limbs go heavy. The walls were papered in gold and the bed was soft, not hard, and the person next to him was definitely not one of the nurses from Arkham. Even if he had been the one responsible for putting Jason there.

If he focused, he could still feel the water from the Pit pushing him down, drowning him... He opened his eyes before he let his mind go back there again. Couldn't let his mind go back there again. Never again.

"Jason?" Dick asked, and Jason forced himself to look into his eyes: bright blue, not cold gray. Concern, not anger. Maybe he was too hard on Bruce... No. He didn't want to think about Bruce. Not when everything had been going so well. Because if anyone would have told him he'd be spending a week in a secluded beach house with the most attractive man in the entire damned universe, he would've socked 'em. Hell, he may have broken their damned nose for good measure. "Talk to me, babe? Please?"

"Sometimes I just wish I would've stayed dead," Jason said and moved so he lay with his head in Dick's lap. He forced a smile when he felt Dick thread his fingers through his hair. "Nothin' to say," he muttered. He didn't need to look up to see the disappointed look on Dick's face. "I'm not suicidal," he added, tone more sarcastic than he'd meant it to be, because really none of this was fucking funny. "And I don't expect you to get it."

"I played dead."

"It's not the same thing."

"I'm not saying it is."

"Well it sure as hell sounds like it to me," Jason snapped and stood, getting more and more worked up. He climbed out of the bed and headed for the door, ignoring Dick’s pleas for him to stay. 

Playing dead was nowhere near the same thing. Actual death was cold, terribly lonely. Dick didn’t die. Dick moved cities, got to play secret agent. He wasn’t six feet under, so incredibly, painfully alone.

He should have stayed and argued, should have fought and set him straight. But God, he just wanted to get away.

Funny how good he’d gotten at the whole running away from his problems thing.

Dick had always told him his problems would eventually catch up with him. But what the hell did he call this little vacation? Wasn’t it just a fancier way of running away? “Jason,” he heard Dick’s voice call after him, resigned in a way that made Dick sound years older than he was. But Jason shook his head and pulled the door open and left, not bothering to shut it behind him.

\-----------

Days on the beach may have been damn near unbearably hot, but the nights were pleasantly cool, and Jason was starting to wish he’d brought a jacket along with him. He wasn’t ready to swallow his pride and head back yet, though, and so the cold won out and he hugged himself instead. Had he overreacted? Dick would say so, but it didn’t feel like it.

He wished he could make Dick understand just how God-awful those months had been, back when Jason thought he was dead. The hours he’d spent wondering why he was allowed to come back and other people weren’t.  _ That’s not funny, Jay,  _ he could still hear Dick’s voice ringing in his ears.

_ It wasn’t supposed to be. _

Dick didn’t get it. He’d never get it. He didn’t ask to be brought back. He didn’t want any of this shit. But he was stuck and there wasn’t a damned thing he could do about it.

He shut his eyes and swore when he thought he heard footsteps. Couldn’t Goldie leave him alone for a fucking hour? He opened his eyes and glanced around, only to see no one there. A trick of the wind, he figured.

He lay back on the sand, not caring that it would get all into his hair. Something about it was nice, made him feel weightless, and for a moment he regretted the negative thoughts he’d harbored toward it earlier. 

Sometimes he wondered what it would be like to go through life as an inanimate object, not thinking, not feeling. Just existing. Wasn’t that what he was doing now? Just existing? He wished he would have thought to bring his cigarettes out with him. Dick kept trying to get him to quit. Maybe one day he’d listen.  _ What are they going to do? Kill me? _

“Jason?” Dick’s soft voice asked, and Jason forced himself to open his eyes and look up. Dick hadn’t changed out of his pajama pants, but at least he’d been smart enough to throw on a t-shirt and one of Jason’s jackets.  _ Never know when you might need a jacket, Goldie. Did Alfred never teach you that one?  _ “Can I sit?” Jason nodded, not bothering with words. He turned his head and watched Dick lower himself to the ground, lying down with his head turned to face Jason. They were close enough to kiss. Maybe Jason would have kissed him if he weren’t still so damned mad. “I’m sorry.”

“I know,” he responded before turning to face the sky again. 

Cassiopeia, the jealous queen, brought down by her vanity. 

Taurus, the bull sent down to kill the evil king Gilgamesh. Jason had always liked that, how different people could see the same stars and come up with stories for them. And he loved the way Dick’s face lit up when he told Jason the stories, when he pointed them out with that stupid grin on his face that made Jason fall in love with him again and again and again. 

Aquila, the eagle carrying the dead man in its talons. One of Jason’s favorites. Did that dead man get to stay dead? Sometimes Jason wondered if things would have been better that way. Better for everyone if he would have had the decency not to come back. _ You can’t think like that,  _ Dick told him every time those thoughts threatened to surface again. And they always surfaced again.

But with Dick, it was like it didn’t matter. Like he’d come back for a reason and that everything was going to be okay and that for once in his life he was  _ wanted _ . Loved even. And Jason couldn’t help but think that being wanted, loved, hell, even  _ needed  _ was the best feeling in the world. Made him feel like he was worth something, like this stupid second-life wasn’t so bad after all.

“Forgive me?” Dick asked, voice pleading. Has Jason ever heard him plead? He couldn’t remember.

And he wanted to forgive Dick. Honest to God, he did. But it wasn’t the same. Jason had been dead for  _ years,  _ cold and still and so bitterly, bitterly alone. And Dick had had the  _ nerve  _ to suggest that faking his own death was even on the same plane. Dick didn’t get it. He never would. Jason knew that. But it still hurt.

“Not yet.”

He shut his eyes when he heard Dick sigh, not wanting to risk turning and seeing those dark blue eyes. What would he find in them? Regret? Pity? He didn’t want to see either of those, not when they were usually full of vibrancy and light. “But you will?” Dick pressed.

“Eventually,” Jason nodded and reluctantly opened his eyes, turning to face Dick again. Because how could he stay mad at Dick? Dick with his perfect eyes and smile and witty comebacks and knack for knowing exactly what to say and when? Jason needed him like he needed the air he breathed.  “Can’t stay mad at you for too long. You know that.”

Dick nodded and studied Jason’s face for a long moment, and for once Jason didn’t try to turn away. It was scary, how well Dick could read him. But even over the years, Jason had learned to see through some of Dick’s facades. No one was that happy all the time. It wasn’t possible. Everyone had bad days. Jason was just unlucky enough to have more bad than good. “Let’s do something fun tomorrow, yeah?”

“Like what?” Jason cocked an eyebrow. Knowing Dick it would involve circuses and stunts Jason couldn’t even do in his wildest dreams.

“Just, I dunno,” Dick sighed, Jason watched his chest rise and fall. It was amazing how much he’d taken for granted before his death. Simple things like swallowing, blinking, breathing. “Touristy shit. Biking, get ice cream. Seashell hunting on a public beach?”

“That isn’t an actual thing,” Jason laughed.

“Oh, but it is,” Dick insisted, and Jason actually smiled at him, something genuine, not like the forced ones Dick had always been a master at giving. “Used to do it with my parents when we’d vacation in Florida.”

“Sounds like a plan then,” Jason replied. He loved it when Dick talked about his parents, loved seeing his face light up to the point of damn near glowing. Jason wondered what his own face looked like when he talked about his own parents. It couldn’t have been anything similar. The world had always hated Jason Todd.

“Really?” Dick asked, practically bouncing up and down with excitement, and Jason’s smile broadened. Really, how could he stay mad at him for too long?

“Really,” Jason nodded and moved closer to him. “I mean, I never really got to go on a vacation as a kid. So why the hell not?”

He smiled as he listened to Dick babble on and on about all the things they could do. Ice cream, boardwalks, swimming in the ocean… not that Jason would swim in the ocean. He didn’t trust anything he couldn’t see through. Well, anything except for Dick.

Dick was the least transparent person he’d ever met, covered in layers and layers of denials and anger and a tendency to love people so fiercely he got hurt in the end if he wasn’t careful. Jason wouldn’t hurt him like the others had, though. Or at least he hoped he wouldn’t. “Hey Goldie?” he asked, catching Dick mid-rant about seagulls and the evils they brought with them. 

He watched Dick blink and tilt his head to the side. “Yeah?” he asked, and for a moment, Jason couldn’t help but think he looked like a kicked puppy.  _ I just need five minutes of quiet,  _ Bruce had always told Dick when he came to visit, cutting Dick off of whatever spiel he’d been on.

“You’re cute when you get excited.” Dick’s slight frown turned into a broad grin, and Jason would have done anything to keep it there, even if Dick could be an asshole from time to time. Who wasn’t an asshole from time to time? And it wasn’t like he meant to keep his foot in his mouth. Or, at least, Jason hoped he didn’t.

“So does that mean you forgive me?”

Jason rolled his eyes and leaned in, pressing a kiss against Dick’s soft, warm lips, smiling when he felt the same tingly feeling he got the first time they’d kissed when he’d been twenty and in complete disbelief that someone as perfect as Dick Grayson would ever want someone as fucked up as Jason Todd. “Yes,” he said, pulling back, grin on his face. “I forgive you.”

Dick leaned in and kissed him again, something more passionate that time. Jason moved so he was on top of him, hands rested on his hips and grinned when Dick flipped their positions. He could have spent an eternity just the two of them. No distractions. No worries. No doubts. 

It almost made the sand in unspeakable places worth it.

\-------------------

"I'm not getting on that thing," Jason crossed his arms as he stared at the Ferris Wheel in front of him. He knew Dick wanted to ride it. Where was Dick more comfortable than in the air? He'd wanted to go parasailing, and Jason had put a firm foot down on that one. Trusting his second life to the hands of some parachute and a jet-ski? No thank you.

"It'll be fine," Dick rolled his eyes, and Jason could hear the unspoken words pass between them.  _ I'm getting on with or without you.  _ Really, he shouldn't have been that nervous about it. Kids younger than he'd been when his parents died were getting on the damned thing. It had to have passed some safety checks. And he heard a woman nearby gushing about how great the view of the beach had been from the very top. "I'll hold your hand the whole time and everything."

Jason rolled his eyes and glanced around. They'd been in line for almost twenty minutes and were almost up. The boardwalk had been Dick's idea. Something fun, get their mind off of things. And Jason would be lying to himself if he said he wasn't having fun. Between the food that was terrible for him and the people-watching, it was the most relaxed he'd been in weeks. But something about being around that many people, completely vulnerable without his Red Hood gear and weaponry was unsettling. Anything could go wrong, and he wouldn't be able to do anything about it.

He took Dick's hand and sat down on the cold, metal seat, watching as Dick lowered the lap bar. He shut his eyes when he felt the ride lurch, pushing them up and forward. Heights had never bothered him. Hell, he spent most of his time on a damned rooftop. But he was in control then. And he had a grapple in case he fell.

Why did everything have to be so damned different as a civilian?

"You okay?" Dick asked, and Jason leaned into his side when Dick wrapped an arm around his shoulders. The touching had freaked him out at first. It seemed like all Dick wanted to do was touch him. And God, Jason had felt so bad at first that he was never the one to initiate it. Something about casual intimacy terrified him.

And it scared him how close he let himself get with Dick, physically and mentally. Dick was the only one he could have deep conversations with, conversations about life and about what didn’t come after. Stupid things like arguing about who cooked and who did the dishes (Jason always cooked, and therefore it wasn’t fair that Dick never did the dishes). Because being around him was easy, so damn easy, and it hurt knowing that it would eventually end, just like everything else always did.

He took a deep, shaky breath and opened his eyes when the ride stopped with them at the top. He glanced at Dick and couldn't help but smile when he saw how excited his boyfriend was by everything. He really was completely at home in the air.  _ Heights are great,  _ Dick had told him once.  _ But I really like the fall. Something freeing about it. Feels like you're flying, or at least as close to flying as you can get. _

"Okay, I'll admit the view is nice," Jason said as he forced himself to glance out at the stretch of beach before them. He wondered what normal people did on their vacations. Was this one of the things? If so, it was nice.

Being normal was nice.

Sometimes he wondered what his life would have been like if Bruce had never picked him up. Wondered what his life would have been like had he never died. Wondered what Dick's life would have been like if he would have stayed dead. If Dick’s parents hadn't been killed and they’d never met...

Would he ever have been as happy as he was in that moment?

And what if it ended? What if it all fell apart?

Would either of them be happy again?

Jason wasn't sure of many things. He used to be sure of so much, back before Robin. Back before his mother died...

But he was certain of one thing.

He was madly, deeply in love with Dick Grayson. He couldn't imagine life without him. And it terrified him more than he’d own up to that one day Dick might wake up and not feel the same way, that Dick would realize he could do better and leave and never look back.

He glanced at Dick again and smiled when Dick turned to face him, eyes brighter than Jason had seen them in a long time. And when Dick leaned in and kissed him slowly, gently, Jason couldn't help but think there was no better feeling than being with someone he loved at the top of the world.

The ride moved again all too soon, and he shut his eyes again, not wanting to see the descent. But Dick held him tightly, refusing to go, as if reassuring him that everything was okay, that Dick would never let anything bad happen to Jason, not if he had any say in it. And Dick took his hand again when they were safely back on the ground."Thanks, Jay," he said softly, pressing his lips against Jason's forehead.

Jason leaned into his touch, never wanting to leave that embrace. "Was nothin'," he shrugged and watched Dick shake his head with a smile.

Maybe the touristy shit wasn't so bad after all.

\----------------

They'd gone to a public beach, and Jason couldn't help but think he liked it thousands of times better than the private one. It was nice, being surrounded by strangers, completely unknown. He wondered what they thought of him, how lucky he was to have the god that was Dick Grayson rubbing sunscreen onto his bare back. If acrobatics had given Dick anything, it was strong hands applying just the right amount of pressure to just the right places.

He reluctantly stood up and stretched once Dick was done before returning the favor. He could have admired that tightly toned back for the rest of his life, he thought as he traced the muscles. "Thanks, Jay," Dick smiled once Jason had finished, and Jason watched as he sat up with more grace than anyone on the planet had any right to have.

Jason leaned back on his elbows, smiling when Dick moved so he was sat behind him, arms wrapped around his waist. He leaned his head back against Dick's chest and glanced around the beach. A couple near them was fighting about something or another. Two kids further down were building a sandcastle.

Jason hoped they'd grow up happy, grow up to have long, meaningful lives. He hoped they would never run into a man who moonlighted as a giant bat who promised them better lives only for them to end up dead...

It bothered him sometimes, how he could never talk about Bruce around Dick. And, part of him had accepted he'd never be able to. Bruce was sacred in Dick's eyes. Untouchable. Jason just wished Dick could see how much Bruce abused that trust between them.

Dick had said something, and Jason had blinked and looked up at him. "What?" he asked, an apologetic look on his face.

"I said I'm surprised you aren't swimming," Dick repeated, and Jason shut his eyes. Like hell was he willingly submerging himself. Not when the last time he'd been submerged had thrown him into a murderous rage that had nearly cost him everything.

Had nearly cost him Dick.

_ You should hate me. _

_ I don't. _

_ I'm not a good guy. _

_ I don't care. _

_ You don't want to get involved with me. _

_ I do. _

Didn’t he know his life would be so much easier without Jason in it? All Jason did was cause problems and make trouble. Bruce sure as hell made sure he knew that every damn chance he got. But not Dick. Dick was good and light and pure and made sure Jason knew he was wanted every damned minute of every damned day.

"I just..." Dick wasn't a threat. Jason didn't have to lie to him. Could open up to him about just about everything. "Water kinda... Brings back bad memories, I guess."

"Right," Dick nodded and kissed the top of his head, and Jason wanted to melt into him and stay there forever and ever. Jason shut his eyes, debating telling Dick the rest of that story, how Bruce had taken him to where he died, trying to jog his memory of how he came back. He doubted he'd ever forgive B for that one.  _ Did you ever think that maybe I don't  _ want  _ to remember?  _ "Jay?" Jason glanced up and frowned when he saw Dick’s eyebrows furrowed in concern. Why did he have to be so damned good at reading people? "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," Jason forced a smile before glancing back out at the beach. The couple had stopped arguing and found solace in each other's arms. The kids had gone to look for seashells near the waves, their parents keeping a close eye on them, making sure they didn't venture too far out. Maybe dipping his feet in the water wouldn't be too bad. "Can we move closer?"

"Sure," Dick kissed his shoulder and stood up, moving in front of Jason and extending an arm to help him up. Jason smiled and took it gratefully. He wondered what it was about Dick that made his guard drop, made him try things he otherwise never would have dared. Sometimes Jason thought Dick was magic. Whenever he was around, Jason felt like everything could be okay, or at least as close to okay as their lives could get.

He followed Dick to the edge of the water before sitting back down, shivering when the cold water lapped up against his legs. "See?" Dick asked and sat beside him, looping an arm around his shoulders. "Not so bad."

"You know I have an inability to admit you're right," Jason responded and smiled when Dick laughed, a low, genuine chuckle in his chest. He could have recorded it and played it on loop for the rest of his life.

"Believe me, I know," Dick laughed again, and Jason couldn't help but smile because how could he not? Dick's moods were contagious. They always had been. And sometimes Jason wondered if there was anyone else on the planet who could feel things as strongly as Dick could. Higher highs. Lower lows. Jason would have killed to keep those lows far, far away. "You're a stubborn little bastard, and I love you for it."

Jason rolled his eyes and moved so his head rested on Dick's shoulder. He stared out at the ocean, wondering how something could be so huge,how anything could be so beautiful.

It bothered him more often than he'd admit to, that someone as beautiful as Dick was with someone as plain as himself. Dick could do better. Hell, Dick had done better. He'd had a God-damned alien princess for Christ's sake.

What business did he have with someone like Jason Todd? Someone who did nothing but screw everything up and cause problems for everyone else?

It was all too soon that the sun was setting, calming reds and oranges reflecting off of the blue water like it was a mirror looking into infinity.

Did infinity even exist?

He hoped so. ‘Forever’ had terrified him once, and part of him wondered if it always would. But things were different now that he had someone at his side, someone who had his back. An infinity spent with Dick, feeling comforted and loved in his arms, wasn’t nearly as daunting as an infinity spent alone and scared. 

"Thanks for this," Dick whispered into his ear, and Jason couldn't help but think he should be the one thanking Dick for forcing him out of his comfort zone. Going to a beach? Going to a boardwalk? Jason never would have considered those things on his own.

"I love you," he whispered softly, afraid that if he spoke too loudly the moment would be ruined, that he would be challenging the universe and the universe would win.

Well the universe could pry Dick out of Jason's cold, dead hands. He was going to hold on and never let go, at least if that choice were up to him.

Dick was perfect. Dick was everything good and right in the world, and Jason couldn’t even begin to comprehend life without him. How had Jason ever survived before he was able to call Dick his?

Because a life without Dick didn’t seem worth living. Not when he’d found someone, finally found someone, who made him feel like everything could be okay. Like he could be okay.

And Jason knew Dick could do better. And it absolutely terrified him that Dick would wake up one day and realize that too. He was going to be careful this time around.

He wasn't going to ruin the best thing that had ever happened to him.

\-------------

He fell back onto the soft mattress, a smirk on his face as Dick moved on top of him, pinning Jason's hips down with his knees. "What?" Dick asked, an innocent look on his face.

"You know what," Jason responded, the smirk never leaving his lips, a moan escaping them when he felt Dick's lips on his neck.

"Can't say I do," Dick said, his breath hot against Jason's skin. Jason gasped when Dick's teeth scraped a sensitive point near his throat. How did he always know exactly what points to hit? He slid his hands under Dick's shirt, dragging his nails down his back and grinning when Dick shuddered under his touch.

Dick pulled at the hem of his shirt, and Jason sat up long enough to pull it off and toss it to the side, not caring where it fell. He wrapped his arms around Dick's waist, pulling him into a passionate kiss, ending when Dick bit his lower lip hard enough to bruise, causing Jason to moan something high-pitched, almost inhuman.

He wished he could do half as good by Dick as Dick did by him.

Dick pushed his shoulders, and Jason gladly fell back down against the bed, looking up into Dick's eyes, already dark and dilated with lust. "God, I love you," Jason breathed as Dick trailed kisses down his jaw and neck, moving to his collarbone, pausing only long enough to toss his own shirt to the side.

Jason glanced at his torso. No one had the right to have abs that damned perfect, completely toned thanks to years of training and hard work, and he could have stared at them for hours, completely mesmerized by them. "Well, I'm pretty lovable," Dick responded and rocked his hips against Jason's.

He could already feel his cock hardening underneath his pajama pants. If Dick wasn't careful, he'd cum before the real fun even started. “So humble too,” Jason leaned up and nipped Dick’s ear. 

“You love it,” Dick slid Jason’s pajama pants down with a skilled ease. Jason shivered at the sudden cold, but grinned up at Dick all the same. He must have done some good in his fucked-up life to deserve the sex god that was Dick Grayson. 

“I love you,” Jason moaned and arched his back when Dick took him into his mouth, the wet heat encompassing his cock and turning him on even more. Dick was hitting all the right notes, and Jason had to keep himself focused to keep from orgasming then and there. Still, though, no one gave blowjobs quite like Dick. 

No one else could ever make him feel so alive, so content in a moment.

Dick took him further into his mouth, and Jason threaded his fingers through that beautiful black hair. How did he manage to keep it so soft? He whimpered when Dick quickened his pace, his hips bucking up. Dick pushed him back down, holding him down with a strength acquired from years of careful training. And, well, years of practice at other activities. “Fuck, Dick,” he breathed and made a noise of protest when Dick pulled back, sitting back on his knees and smirking at Jason. “Really?” he groaned.

“What do you want, Little Wing?” Dick asked, his mouth finding his way back to Jason’s neck, causing him to moan again and tilt his head back to give Dick better access. Jason started to say something, but gasped when Dick bit down again. Those marks would be there for weeks. Not that he minded. It never hurt to have a few extra reminders that he was Dick’s and Dick was his.

“Want you,” Jason muttered and squirmed underneath Dick. God, if Dick wasn’t in him before long… He grinned when he felt Dick smirk against his skin before pulling back long enough to slide out of his own bottoms. Jason’s eyes immediately darted to Dick’s cock, already red and hard, and it was so perfect, just like the rest of Dick. Jason could have spent an eternity like this, with Dick’s full attention on him and him alone.

He watched Dick move and open up the bedside table, pulling out a bottle of lube. How far in advance had he been planning this vacation? Jason wasn’t sure he wanted to know. Besides, he was too preoccupied watching Dick spread it onto his fingers.

Jason gasped when Dick pushed his knees up and slid a finger into him. Jason had never been as bendy as the acrobat, but he’d be damned if he wasn’t going to try hard to stay in the position. “You okay?” Dick asked, and Jason nodded, shutting his eyes again, a low, primal noise escaping his throat. “So good, Jay,” Dick whispered as he slid another finger in, and Jason whined when Dick started to massage his prostate, pure pleasure shooting through his body.

“Dick,” Jason whimpered and opened his eyes, making eye-contact with Dick’s dark blues. He could have drowned in the sight of those, so pure and happy and full of lust for Jason of all people… “Please,” he gasped when Dick hit his prostate again before slowly withdrawing, pace agonizingly slow.

He groaned when Dick pushed his legs further up, taking in a sharp breath when Dick slid in with a delicate ease. God, he knew exactly what to do. Why wouldn’t he? How many times had they done this now? Jason never would have dreamed they’d do it once, let alone regularly. “You okay?” Dick asked and pushed Jason’s hair out of his face, and Jason nodded and carefully stretched to wrap his arms around Dick’s waist, pulling him further in.

His muscles cried out, and he reluctantly let his arms drop as Dick started moving in and out. “Fuck, Dick,” he breathed again, a high-pitched noise escaping his lips when Dick’s cock hit him in just the right spots. He glanced up at him, revelling in the look of pure pleasure, pure concentration Dick had on his face. 

And when Dick wrapped his hand around Jason’s cock and moved it in time with his thrusts, well, Jason was pretty sure he’d died a second time because that must have been what heaven was like. “So good, Jay,” Dick breathed. “So, so good.” All too soon, Jason came with a shuddering gasp, white-hot pleasure surging through every inch of his body, and nearly blinding him for damned near a minute. He whimpered and moaned when Dick kept going, the extra stimulation nothing short of euphoric.

He listened as Dick grunted and came inside him, chest heaving as he pulled out and rolled beside him. Jason groaned and moved so his head rested on Dick’s chest, smiling when Dick played with his hair. “I love you,” Jason breathed and shut his eyes.

“Love you too,” Dick breathed, and Jason couldn’t help the stupid grin that formed on his face.

“I don’t think I’ll walk straight for a fucking week.”

“You’ll live,” Dick laughed, and Jason couldn’t help but laugh alongside him.

\-------------

Flashes of green. Laughter echoing in his head.  _ Which hurts worse? A or B?  _ He was drowning and he couldn't scream, and God did he want to scream, and someone was shaking him, and he was falling and hitting the ground and  _ Be a good boy and finish your homework.  _ And someone was calling his name but it seemed so far away, and he just wanted everything to  _ stop  _ and he couldn't get away and Bruce wasn't coming and...

He woke with a start, jolting into an upright position, skin sticky with sweat and breaths coming in heaves. Someone was rubbing his back and he tried to focus on how the strong hands felt on his muscles, but it still seemed so far away and  _ Oh, and tell the Big Man I said hello...  _ "Jay?" the voice asked, calm, even. Familiar. Safe.

Just Dick, he tried to tell himself. It was just Dick and they were just in bed at the beach and they were far, far away from Gotham and nothing was going to hurt him. Dick wouldn't let anything hurt him ever again. He leaned back against Dick's bare chest, trying to focus on the feeling of skin against skin. Dick moved his arms so they were wrapped around his waist, as if he were trying to keep Jason safe.

The only thing he needed to be safe from was his own mind. Even Dick couldn't protect him from that. "It's okay," Dick whispered into his ear, but Jason's pulse was rushing and he couldn't think straight, and he tried to focus on Dick tapping on his abdomen and counting  _ One. Two. Three... _

"Twenty-six," he choked out as soon as he found his voice again. "Twenty-seven. Twenty-eight..." It wasn't until fifty-three that he finally calmed down enough to think somewhat clearly.

"What was it?" Dick asked, and Jason was so grateful his tone suggested he didn't have to answer if he didn't want to. He could talk to Dick about anything, well anything except Bruce. He knew that. But talking about his death was so damned difficult, even years later, and sometimes he wondered if it was ever going to be something he could open up about around anyone, even around Dick. Especially around Dick.. "Joker," he said after another heaving breath, and couldn't help but relax a little when he felt Dick's grip tighten around him.  _ He's not here. He's not here. He's not here. _

Joker couldn’t hurt him ever again. Dick wouldn’t let him. He was safe with Dick, secure. There was nothing to be scared of. So why was he still so damned scared of him?  _ You might be for the rest of your life,  _ Dick had told him once. But what the hell did Dick know anyway? He wasn’t there. He didn’t have to live through any of it…

Jason never should have had to live through it. He just wanted to find his mom, for fuck’s sake. Nothing like that should have ever happened.

Robin should have never happened.

"It's okay, Jay," Dick soothed and smoothed his thumb along Jason's abs, and Jason nodded and lay back down against Dick, curling up tight, never wanting to let go of him. Nothing bad could happen as long as Dick had his arms wrapped around him. He wouldn't let it. Dick wouldn't let it.

The Joker was in another God-damned country.

"It's not okay," Jason shook his head. "I'm ruining everything. We just had an awesome night, and now I'm ruining it, and..." Just like he ruined everything. He couldn’t even enjoy a God-damned vacation properly, not without freaking out, after an amazing night no less, and bringing a downer on everything just like he always did, and it wasn’t fair to Dick who just wanted to help him, and….

Dick moved a hand onto Jason's shoulder and squeezed tightly, and Jason tried to focus on his touch instead of all the thoughts racing through his head, driving him mad. "You aren't ruining anything," he said softly.  _ You should hate me.  _ "You're allowed to feel, and you're allowed to feel those feelings strongly." Jason nodded and buried his face in Dick's chest, breathing in the smell of stale sex and aftershave, and he just wanted to stay there forever where nothing could hurt him ever again. Dick held him close, and Jason clung tightly.  _ I don't. Never could.  _ "You've been to hell and back, Jay," he continued. "You're allowed to have nightmares. You're allowed to be scared."

"I'm not scared, Dick," Jason shook his head and looked anywhere but Dick's face. "I'm fucking terrified of him." And for a moment, he wasn't sure if he was talking about the Joker, Bruce, or both. And it felt so good to finally let it out and admit to it, because for so long he’d felt the need to bottle everything up, to act like everything was okay even when everything was so fucking far from being okay… 

"I know," Dick sighed and kissed the top of his head. "But it's okay. Everything's okay. I'm here now. I'm never going away." And that was all Jason needed to hear for the fucking floodgates to open. But he didn’t feel weak, not that time. He felt safe, knowing Dick was there. Knowing that Dick wouldn’t leave him, that he would stay no matter what. God, he wanted to believe that, believe in that forever and in that promise that neither of them would be able to keep.

"Okay," Jason choked out, voice fragile and broken and he hated himself all the more for that vulnerability. It could get him killed one day. Worse, it could get Dick killed one day. And Jason knew he couldn’t live with himself if that happened.

Jason couldn't live in a world without him. He didn’t want to.

"I'm right here, Jay," Dick said again, rubbing Jason's arm with his hand. Jason tried to focus on it, to focus on Dick and how he felt and the bed beneath them and tried not to think about the other things trying to make their way into his mind. _Forehand or backhand_. "Do you want to talk about it?'

"No," Jason choked out, more as a reflex than anything else. Why would he want to talk about it with anyone?  _ At least talk to Dinah,  _ Dick had tried to tell him once. Like Dinah could understand what he was going through. And what if she accidentally let something slip to Bruce? No. He didn't want to think about Bruce. Not when everything had been so damned perfect before. "I just... I never want to talk about that, okay?"

"I think you need to," Dick sighed, but let it drop, and Jason took a deep, shaky breath, trying to calm himself down. He shut his eyes again, and he let sleep take him back into her arms.

Hopefully that time would be peaceful.

\---------------

Dick was gone when Jason woke again, and for a moment he couldn't think, couldn't breathe. What if he'd finally gotten fed up? What if he finally decided he hated Jason? It wasn't until he heard the water running in the connecting bathroom that he let himself breathe again, that he let his mind clear itself.

Dick hadn't left. Dick had promised he'd never leave him. And for once in his life, Jason thought he could believe in that, believe that he had a forever and someone to share it with. He tossed the comforter to the side and all but rolled out of the bed, pulling on his long forgotten pajama pants, not bothering with a shirt.

He listened to the water screech off, silence consuming the room. silence had scared him once, back when he was six feet underground and so incredibly alone. He had been so sure, so damned sure, that he was damned to an eternity alone, even when he'd come back...

And then Dick Grayson had come back into his life full force and turned his second chance completely upside down. And, well, Jason must have done right by somebody at some point for that to happen. "Hey," Dick yawned and stepped out of the bathroom, towel wrapped around his waist, water droplets hugging the best torso Jason had ever seen in his life. "Sleep any better?" Jason nodded and sat back down, hugging a knee to his chest. "What's wrong?" Dick frowned.

"I just..." Jason trailed off, taking a shaky breath as he tried to work up the courage to say it. It was still new to him, asking for things, admitting how he felt... "When I have bad nights, I really need you there with me. I woke up and you weren't there, and..." he trailed off and watched as Dick crossed the room to sit beside him, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. And he couldn't help but lean into his side.

"I'm sorry," Dick said softly, and Jason nodded. He loved it about Dick, how he didn't have to question whether or not he meant the things he said. Because he just  _ knew.  _ He knew that everything was going to be okay, and that Dick really was sorry. That he fucking meant it. It wasn't a Bruce apology for getting caught. "I wouldn't leave you over something like that." Jason nodded and breathed him in, that same cheaply made but expensively acquired soap filling his nose. "Come on. Let's go out for breakfast." Jason smiled slightly at the promise of food and reluctantly pulled himself away from Dick to get dressed. “One more day here. Let’s make it count.”

"Do we have to leave?" Jason asked, and hated how much he sounded like a little kid who didn't want something fun to end. He rocked back and forth on his feet and studied Dick's face, taking in that million-dollar grin of is.

"If memory serves, you didn't want to come in the first place," Dick smirked, and Jason fought every urge in him to go and press that smirk off his face with his lips. "But yeah. I love it here. I love being with you. But I have a job to do. We have a job to do."

Jason nodded and sat back down on the edge of the bed, leaning against Dick once more. "We could run away, you know," he said, voice soft. Dick chuckled, and Jason didn't even bother correcting him that he hadn't made for it to be funny. "Just you and me. And an empty beach. No Bat. No family drama... Just us."

"Bludhaven's home, Jay," Dick sighed, and Jason nodded and shut his eyes, because really he was stupid to even suggest it... "You ever thought about maybe moving in?" Dick asked after a long moment of silence, and Jason had to blink and stare up at Dick to make sure he wasn't joking. "I mean, it's no beach. But it'd be me and you. No Bruce."

"Bruce would never approve," Jason sighed. Hell, he wasn't entirely sure Bruce even knew he and Dick were a thing to begin with. He thought about throwing an attack on Bruce in. But it wouldn't do any good. Dick would never listen to it. It would just piss him off and then maybe he really would leave...

"Fuck what Bruce thinks." Jason blinked hard and did a double-take. There was no way in hell those words had come out of Dick's mouth. "I want you, Jay. I want you more than anything in the world. And I have the space, and I know you've got to be sick of jumping between abandoned buildings... Move in with me."

"Okay," Jason smiled and stood up again, determined to get dressed that time. He kicked the pajama pants off, choosing a pair of shorts and a black t-shirt that hugged him in just the right places before watching as Dick followed his lead, opting for a pair of swim trunks and a bright blue shirt that clashed horribly with them. "You gotta let me help you with your wardrobe, though."

"You love it."

"I love you."

"I love you too"

\--------------------

The last night on the beach was a sad one. Jason sat on the edge of the water, closer than he had on the first night, letting the water lap up against his legs. "So as much as I hate to admit it," he began and moved so he lay with his head in Dick's lap. "You were right. I needed this." He hadn't realized it, how stressed he'd been. He was glad Dick had realized it and convinced him to go somewhere else, even if it was only for a little while. He needed out of his mind. He just hadn't realized how much.

The stress would kill him one day, Dick had always told him.  _ What, like dying is horrible?  _ "Thought you had an inability to admit when I'm right?" Dick teased and played with his hair, and Jason focused on the feeling of his fingers running through it. He never minded the touch, not when it came from Dick. Never when it came from Dick.

He stared up at the sky, trying to find the constellations again. "How does it end?" he asked, briefly turning his gaze to Dick's face, frowned in confusion. "Perseus and Andromeda? I can't remember."

"One of the happier ones," Dick smiled, and Jason nodded and glanced back at the sky. He couldn't pick them out if they tried. He knew Dick would if he asked. "They get married. Have a few kids. All it took was a near death experience."

"You think that could be us one day?" Jason asked, glancing at him again, smiling when he saw those dark blue eyes widened in surprise.

"Yeah," Dick nodded, and Jason felt like he could breathe again, like a huge weight had been taken off his chest, one that had been pushing him down without him even knowing it. "Yeah, I think it could be."

And Jason let himself believe that he and Dick could be together, maybe even forever.

It would be a nice forever.


End file.
